MODERN CATECHISM,

Adapted to the Times.

Question. Who is the oldest man?

Answer. The lad of fourteen, who struts, and swaggers, and smokes his cigar, and drinks rum; treads on the toes of his grandfather, swears at his mother and sisters, and vows that he will run away and leave “the old man,” if he will not let him have more cash.

Q. In what families is there the best government?

A. Those in which the children govern the parents.

Q. Who is the promptest pay-master?

A. He that deals in promises and is always ready to pay “next week.”

Q. Who is the man of business?

A. He that can carry off the most rum without staggering.

Q. Who is the most regular in his habits?

A. He that never takes spirits, except to make him “feel better, is punctual to observe eleven o’clock and four o’clock, and never eats his breakfast before he has had his “bitters.”

Q. Who brings up his children in the way they “should go?”

A. He that teaches them to spend money without earning it; mixes sling, whenever he thinks it will do him good, and always saves the bottom of the glass for little Frank.

Q. Who is the most independent man?

A. He that “can leave off drinking when he has a mind to,” without signing a pledge, or becoming a member of “the cold water society;” and, like every confirmed drunkard,—who, by the way, was once nothing more than a temperate drinker,—“does not intend to leave off till he gets ready.”

Q. Who is always ready to profit by the pious example of professors of religion?

A. He who appeals to Dea. W’s testimony that a little rum is necessary “in certain cases,” and then goes and gets his jug filled upon credit, at the store of the Deacon’s son, who trades in rum, upon his father’s capital.

Q. Who is treated with the most apparent respect?

A. He that most deserves to be hanged.

Q. Who is the greatest bigot?

A. He that will neither sell his conscience, nor barter away his principles.

Q. Who is the most liberal man, and the most worthy of public confidence?

A. He that has neither conscience to sell, nor principles to barter away, but always floats with the tide of popular favor.

Q. Who is the most prudent man?

A. He that never engages in a work of reform until public sentiment leads the way; and never expresses an opinion, on any subject, until he learns how it will affect his popularity.

Q. Who is the most active and judicious reformer?

A. He that is most vociferous in preaching against intemperance, applauds, at every corner, the progress of temperance, and, passing directly by a temperance store, goes half a mile down the street, to trade with one who sells ‘grog.’

Q. For whom should professors of religion vote, when they go to the polls?

A. Always for the man who is of “their party,” though he be an infidel and a libertine.

Q. Who is the most likely to pay his debts?

A. He that spends his estate for rum, and stands ready to go to jail, at once to satisfy all his creditors.

Q. Who is the greatest lawyer and politician?

A. He that meets his pot-companions in a bar-room or grog-shop, and has taken his second glass. He then surpasses in wisdom and sage remark, a Coke or a Blackstone; and,  in the discussion of State rights, qualifications of great men, or the grand principles of the Constitution, an Adams or a Webster is a more fool in comparison.

Q. Who are the most acute in ethics and theology, and the best judges of preaching?

A. A bar-room club, who have taken frequent potations, and are ready to criticize the most profound theology extant, & to sit in judgment upon the most learned and eminent divines of the age.

Q. Who is the most accomplished young lady. [sic]

A. The Miss who has just entered her teens, has spent six weeks in a boarding school, seen the last Waverly novel, and, perhaps, to add to her volubility, has acquired a gibbering of French; can prate in the common-place nonsense of the village, has learnt to pass unmeaning compliments, and prides herself in feeling above every honorable and useful employment.

Q. How far can a catechism, “adapted to the times,” be continued?

A. Indefinitely.                                                             Gen. of Tem.